Friday, August 7, 2009

Birthday Boy

Happy 1st Birthday, Mr.Caleb. We miss you and love you so very, very much. This time last year, nations from all around the world celebrated together during the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Olympics. I can't think of a better way to start someone's time on earth and a little part of me likes to think they were celebrating for you too. Just a few short weeks later on the day after you left us (Monday September 29th) the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 777.68 points, the largest single-day point loss in its history and our country is still trying to dig itself out of a recession. Just as the country is trying to recover from the events of last fall, I too am still trying to recover from losing you. I do believe the USA will bounce back eventually, but I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I'm working on a new "normal" for me, but I think it's taking longer than expected.

Caleb, you never got to hear the story "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" but there's a part at the end where it talks about the Grinch's heart growing many sizes in a single day. Well, as any and all new mothers can attest, my heart instantly grew with love for you and the problem now is that my heart didn't shrink when you left. There will always be a special, empty place in my heart for you even if it grows bigger to accommodate others that come into my life. My head knows that I will get to see you again but my heart still has that empty space longing for you every single day.

This is the picture I've stared at the most since we lost you. Even though your binky takes up half of your face, this is exactly how I remember you looking up at me, slightly cross-eyed and all. I miss that look so much. Your eyes seemed so knowing. I could just feel so many thoughts going on behind them that I never got to hear. A few years ago I would have thought it was pretty cliche to say this but honestly you felt like an old soul, too incredibly patient for a newborn who went through everything you endured.

Your memory motivates me to stay on the strait and narrow, and your bravery inspires me to push through when I think I've used all my strength. I strive daily to live worthy enough to see you again and my biggest fear is that I will somehow fall short. This is backwards from the way that it should go, but I hope and pray that you stay with me Caleb and help lead and guide your Mom and family along the path back to live with you again someday.

PS - I hope the blogging world will forgive my lack of posts lately and also feel where I'm coming from and allow a grieving mother a few indulgences on this post.